Mutant

Where does one commence? How does one articulate the inception of their life? Should I chronicle my earliest memories, or should I reflect on transformative moments? Depending on the context, I would argue I’ve experienced multiple lives, and how do I acknowledge those without diminishing them? I am writing somewhere at the confluence of the middle and the beginning of life. I have discovered that life is unpredictable, and yet we are so determined to try and anticipate every potential outcome.

If I could travel back in time and speak to my seven-year-old self, I would advise her to brace herself and never look down. I would say, speak your mind occasionally because we regret the things we don’t say or do. I would also tell her that her father isn’t coming back, so stop waiting. Ten years ago, I made a pivotal decision to abandon the notion of a father figure from a particular man. That decision was not made lightly, but from the perspective of a fractured girl who had spent years imploring a man to love her. I watched from the sidelines as my so-called parent chose his new family over me. I constantly questioned my own worth and why I couldn’t measure up to them. I felt the weight of being neglected and ignored for nearly a lifetime. I had become so hollow as a human; I was merely existing.

Eventually, I declared that I would free myself from this sentence and reinvent myself. I discovered my identity in the early stages of adulthood, and then the assault happened. I became another empty shell of a human for many years. I retreated back into my metaphorical cell, withdrawing from society, life, and myself. Once again, I was alone, observing others thrive through manipulated perceptual lenses. I was broken again. It took me longer to change course and start anew, but somehow, I managed. This time I stumbled, but I got up and fought back against irrational situations, vanquishing some of my own demons along the way.

However, now I look around and still feel isolated after all this time I spent to finally overcome myself. This time, I decided not to return to my cage, and this time, I’m soaring. I wonder how the world will change me again, and this time, I welcome it.

To the beginning of my new life