Nostalgia

I slipped away into a moment of time. I allowed my mind to wander. My soul could rest with you. I drifted into a state of unconsciousness, and my anxiety vanished with you. I found that with you, that life wasn’t so melancholy. I didn’t know I was in an utter state of delusion, and that reality was creeping in. I was running out of time and yet away from it at the same time. 

If I ran away with you, then maybe I could outrun myself. I can redesign myself into someone else. I was so focused on my own desire that I failed to recognize I was simply drowning in denial. My walls crumpled with you, and I didn’t realize yours wore still intact. You wore building an impregnable fortress while I surrendered. I was so willing to voluntarily surrender because maintaining the walls felt like constant torture. I craved for someone to see me behind these walls. I was living for the hope of it all.

 I dived head first and the rush was eccentric but the crash was crippling. I fell hard and collapsed and the uncertainty finally caught back up to me. I was so ready for someone to release me from myself that I didn’t care who that might be. Therefore I clung to the first person who could see me regardless of their feelings. Tell me why does the pain of remembering you hurt more than the action? Why does this pain seem to creep around the shadows when the loneliness encounters my mind? I want to yell, curse, weep, and somehow desire you to come back simultaneously. 

However, I guess the pain doesn’t compare to the feeling of loss and despair that my heart feels knowing I was not the one for you. I was merely a moment in time. I nevertheless feel the sharp stabbing pain in my heart when a memory comes rushing to my mind. I naturally wish some days I could wake up with amnesia to erase the pain. 

I don’t express many regrets, but if could turn back time, I wouldn’t have crossed your threshold that night and I would’ve remained home. I now have to endure a world where you are no longer present and that may be the very thing that tortures my soul. I’m so intrigued as to why people assume it’s better to have loved than lost. I wouldn’t want to experience a world without you in it, so I do wish I could erase you from my mind. I’m somehow lost in a timeless loop of nostalgia.