Even Though I’m Leaving

I’ve learned so much from my time here. I didn’t want to come back home at 20 years old and feeling defeated. I had a wounded pride. I truly believed at 18 that I was never coming back to live with my mom. OH BOY!!! When people talk about success stories and beating the odds, no one ever mentions that you are gonna move back into your parents house, you are gonna have more people cheer for your defeat than your success, you are gonna have people stab you in the back and walk all over you, you are gonna have people see your potential and use you it to their advantage, but as long as you have a vision then the rest will slowly fade. 

I came home from experiencing one of the worst traumas of my life which slowly had put me into a deep depression and self-hatred that flourished. I stayed in bed for the first few months that I was home and I would barely get out to go to one of my two jobs. I would rather have worked 40 plus hours than be left alone to think. After I came back I was so physically and mentally exhausted that I would sleep. I felt like I was a productive member of society but the truth was that I was hiding from everyone. 

What changed? Now I wake up at least by 7:30 am every morning. I consume 110 ounces of water every day. I work out at least 5-6 times a week. I make deans and the president’s list at my college. I ended up attending a more respected university to finish out my degree. I’m writing on this very blog that provides a small source of income. I also managed to work a part-time job and taking care of a horse-sized dog. How? What changed? 

Let’s start at the distinct beginning of my most monumental failure. December 20, 2017, I received a letter from the University of South Carolina. The letter stated “ Dear Jenna, Your GPA has fallen below the required standards for admissions. We strongly advise you to take some time away from school and focus on what you want to do. You can always reapply after a 9 month wait period. Wish you well in your future endeavors. My heart broke when my mom handed me the letter on December 26th, 2018. I never in a million years would’ve believed I would flunk out of college. I did! I wasn’t allowed to go back and so I had an entire 9 months to wait. That didn’t motivate me. This letter hasn’t been the turning point in my life. I didn’t hit my stride until much later. 

I worked at a retail store and eventually moved up the ladder to become a full-time manager. I thought this was great and would be making so much more money and maybe school wasn’t my thing. So I devoted hours of countless hours to this place. I worked from early 5 am shifts nearly every day. I opened hundreds of boxes and for what? I was yelled at, I was laughed at, I was disrespected and I stayed. We are supposed to work even though you hate it. “That’s the real world.” Or is that a lie we tell ourselves because we are too damn scared to walk away. So after a full 4 years of working at this place, I finally dared to walk away. Was this the moment that changed my whole life? No!

I started school at a local technical community college. I started off taking easy classes to ease back into school. Hence at this place I was 21 years old and giving this college thing a try. Well, I failed another art class. This was bullshit! I had such high hopes for this!! And here I was again failing at something that everyone seemed to excel at. So I took my ego and put it aside, and I was gonna take another set of classes over the summer and see what happens and I did the math and I had to have A and B’s to go back to the University of South Carolina! That was the goal! Therefore, I lived at a local library while working a 15 hour a week part-time job. I managed to perform exactly what I needed but the goal changed for me. I realized over the summer that Carolina may have never been the place for me. 

I started my first Fall semester back at college. I walked into my first ever science class and I knew I was gonna be one of the oldest ones there. As a result, I gathered a deep breath and told my self this would only last 3 months. The first day wasn’t bad and so I continued to do homework and study and I caught astride. I understood chemistry and I secretly cherished it. I went to my first ever lab and found the best lab partners in the world! We laughed and joked and conducted experiments incorrectly, and that was the fun of it! I produced a perfect grade on my final exam and made some brilliant friends along the way! Was this the moment that transformed everything for me? Not even close. 

December 18, 2019
I received an email from the College of Charleston that I had been selected to attend college! I cried on my mom’s office floor. I didn’t realize how much this meant to me but it meant the world. I struggled so furiously for over a year to be noticed by Carolina and I wasn’t good enough. I tried to be noticed at a job that I hated, and I wasn’t good enough. I felt like this life thing wasn’t working out for me and I couldn’t tell you why. So what changed? Well if you had been reading all along then my dear you would’ve detected a little bit of growth along the way.

When I ultimately choose to walk away from that management job, I had chosen myself over a paycheck. I had enough of being unhappy! I walked away! 

When I choose to start working out regularly and start being smart about how I worked out then I noticed some gains! I was dedicated.

When I choose to make up my bed daily, I was establishing a routine. 

When I choose to set a daily schedule, I was holding myself accountable. 

When I applied for that community college I saw for the first time that I may have failed one class but I made A’s and B’s in the other and so I wanted to go to Carolina and I was gonna make that happen. That was a goal the I set for myself and I worked hard to make it there and I persisted. I wasn’t going to give up this time!
When I dared to apply to a more prominent school that would be a lot harder and I was 40% sure I would make it! That’s 60% that I bull shited in essays. I believed in myself! 

It wasn’t one tremendous moment that reformed my life. It was of the course of 2 years that my life changed for the better. If you’re waiting for a sign or a singular moment then stop waiting because it will never come. I choose to stop being unhappy by making different choices and that made all the difference. 

Coming back home to a town that was too small to contain me was the exact thing I needed to fly! I needed direction, motivation, and inspiration. I discovered that when I came back home to live with my mother, I found a new set of wings that wore more vibrant than before. I’m delighted I came back because I managed to relight that fire that’s been burning inside me for so long! Even though I’m leaving for good this time, I will say that this little bird was obliged to have such an amazing place to land!