Pulling the Trigger

I’ve been on the fence for 21 years. I haven’t chosen for 21 years. I would tell anyone else to jump off of that fence and just pick a side. After you choose a side then just live with your choice. There is no need to wait so long about anything in your life. At some point, you’re going to have to make a choice and live with it. You can’t stay on the fence forever.

I was a Coward!!

 I’ve been the one to not choose for years. I stayed quiet for years hoping that I would never have to choose. By not choosing, I had chosen. I chose to allow and accept the behaviors of others as my normal. Well not anymore. Today I’m tearing the Band-Aid off. I’m getting off the fence and I’m finally pulling the trigger. 

You introduced me to these Demons

You made me call you. You made me invite you. You forced me to play the role of a parent. You put your responsibilities onto me. You said it was my fault if you didn’t call. You said it was my fault if you didn’t show up. I believed you. I trusted you. You knew everything. You were right and I was wrong. That’s the narrative you wanted me to believe and you succeeded in doing so. You brainwashed me for 21 years into believing that you were the good guy. And that it was the world and obstacles that were evil and hindering you. Was it the world stopping you? Were you trying to slay Goliath and that’s why you didn’t show? Oh, you must’ve taken the wrong detour and your car broke down. You must’ve got amnesia and forgot about me.

I waited at my door for you to show up. I waited at that cheerleading tournament for you to come. I waited at those softball games in the rain for you to cheer me on. I waited at my high school graduation for you to finally say congratulations. I waited for my dad to be a father that I needed.

As I was left waiting for years, you had other plans. You built a family with another woman that supported you. You had three children that you showed up for. You had three children that you gave your time to. You had three children that you gave your money to. You had three children that you loved.

But did you remember that you have five?

Picture perfect:

This issue has always been an image. Perfect family. Ignore the Bastards? That’s your motive. Maybe my last name should’ve been snow. As I watched you be the dad to other children for years and you never acknowledge my brother or me. You got what you wanted and that was to be the father of the year to everyone except your children. You got the wife with blonde hair. You got a job with friends that think you’re smart. You got everything society said was yours. While you relished in your successes, you allowed me to suffer and even encouraged it. You called those other children the light of your life and what was I? Oh, that’s right. I was the child you hid in the shadows. I was the girl that was a reminder of everything you were ashamed of. So congratulations and here’s your trophy “To the best father a girl could ask for”.

I let the demons in and it’s time to vanquish them for good:

You gave me many demons but what I didn’t realize until now is that you also gave me a way to vanquish them. You put this gun made of blame, shame, anger, and guilt into my hands. I’ve been holding this gun for years. I could’ve ended my suffering and my resentment towards this man if I could pull the trigger on him. I could’ve stopped this pain a long time ago. You put this gun in my hand as a child. You made me be the one to determine if we had a

relationship. You made me think I was the reason that you left. 21 years I pointed the barrel of the gun at my temple. It was my fault you left. I wasn’t good enough to be your daughter. I wasn’t smart enough to be your daughter. I had this gun pointed at me and for years I would pull the trigger on myself every time.

This time I’m loading the gun for the final time. This time I’m not pointing it at me. I’m not blaming myself for my father’s sins. I’m not having this pain or anger hinder me any longer. I’m aiming the gun at you. I’m pulling the trigger and I’m saying goodbye for the final time. These are your mistakes and your issues they are no longer mine to hold. Goodbye, Dad.